i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
