You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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