My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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