Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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