hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
