I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
