Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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