Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
