Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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