Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
