apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
