Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
