I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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