hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
