they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
