Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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