She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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