i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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