My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
