Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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