if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
