You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
