I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
