Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
