I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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