don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
