She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
