"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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