I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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