You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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