The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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