my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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