I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
