I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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