I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
