Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize