the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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