He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
