I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
