you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
