my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
