Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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