Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
