if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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