You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
