can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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