i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
