I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
