i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
