Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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