my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
