Michael Bay diarrhea
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
