my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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